Audience of One

“The most comfortable sock in the world”?

The Men’s Total Comfort Sock is the latest in the range of high performance footwear from popular high street retailer Marks & Spencer. The packaging talks of a a “cushioned sole” and a “comfort toe seam to reduce abrasion”, as well as mentioned “soft gripping Lycra fabric that moulds to the contours of the leg”. This is, apparently, a sock for comfort lovers – and not only that, durable. Are these claims reliable, however? Is this a sock that you should be spending your cash on? Does it live up to the high standards it sets for itself? I put the socks through a series of tests to answer these questions.

Comfort

Firstly, was the sock “the most comfortable sock in the world”, as claimed by a sticker on the packaging? As trying on every single sock in the world to answer this question would be a stretch of my limited resources, I decided to content myself with an average. Spending the best part of Saturday trying on different socks, I ranked each type on three factors:

• Cushioning
• Stretch
• The ‘tingle factor’

As the sock connoisseurs among you no doubt know, cushioning is the defining factor in your sock experience, yet by itself cannot provide the whole experience. I felt my foot to be excellently cushioned by the majority of socks I tried on, including the Total Comfort Sock. On then, to stretch.

The ability of a sock to stretch is measured by the following formula:

where x is equal to foot size (European measurement), k is the decimal value of the sock colour using standard RGB notation, w is the weight in kilograms the sock can hold inside before breaking, and y is the value of stretch ability in Newtons. This test knocked out the majority of socks tested (who broke after a mere five kilograms), but the TCS achieved a record value of 23.4N – truly remarkable.

The final factor is, of course, the ‘tingle factor’, and here the TCS really showed its colours (though only coming in shades of grey). When first sliding the socks on, I couldn’t feel my feet. Then tiny sensations started trickling up my legs, like melting ice trickling down your neck – only pleasant. It was a magical experience, and couldn’t be mimicked by any of the others (even the fantastic Homer Simpson Christmas socks from three years ago – maybe the gaping hole from the stretch test gave them a disadvantage).

After these tests, there was no doubt that the TCSs were as they claimed to be with regards to comfort.

Durability

The modern sock has to put up with many things, from being chewed by toddlers to being stuffed with presents by Father Christmas (stockings are so twentieth century…), so I put the top three ranked socks through the three vital tests.

Lactose/Citrus Resistance

As any normal five year old will tell you, bottles are there to have things stuffed in. My first job, then, was to test how well the socks resisted the effects of orange squash and milk (though not, fortunately, at the same time – five year olds aren’t that disgusting). I left a sock in each of the respective containers for a set amount of time (the average time between a distracted parent seeing the sock in the bottle and retrieving it), soaked it in water for five minutes, then smelt the sock to detect any remaining liquid.

It appears that, the comfier the sock, the most absorbant the fabric is. The TCS scored lowest on this test – in fact, the smell of the liquids stayed around for so long with the TCS that the orange-soaked sock smelt like milk. An abject failure, then, for durability in this area.

Marathon Run

As I write this, two friends of mine have just come in through the door, carrying a former friend between them. They have just run a marathon with no shoes to test their socks. The former friend in the middle collapsed after twenty miles when his TCSs finally wore through. The two other types of sock were fine, and their wearers carried my bloody-footed volunteer for the remaining six. Again, a complete failure for the TCS brand, and a loss of a friend for me. The things I do for an objective and complete review.

The Labour Party Speech

The final test is to see whether the socks on trial can last through a speech by a member of the Labour party (the higher up, the better). Luckily, the Oxford Town Hall had a Labour delegation this morning, and I turned up, kitted out in three pairs of socks.

Upon waking up in the uncomfortabe seat to find the speeches over and everyone gone home, I checked my footwear, only to discover that, left open to the air, all three pairs of socks had deteriorated under the hot air from the orators. No better nor worse than each other, then.

Summary

The Total Comfort Sock aspires to be the sock for the discerning modern man. Under careful scrutiny, I have found that, while extremely comfortable, the durability of this sock leaves something to be desired. I give the TCS a 7 out of 10.

Currently listening to He Woke Me Up Again – Sufjan Stevens

Matthew @ 14:53, February 27, 2005 to Reviews | Comments (4)