Audience of One

I was only dreaming

Disclaimer: The following entry is based on real memories, but probably not real events. Any resemblance of characters in this entry to real or fictional people is purely deliberate; any resemblance of characters’ actions to real actions is probably as a result of a deluded mind (on your part).

The story begins with an important mission. I was assigned it for some unknown reason – perhaps my seniors considered me the best man for the job. It was an intense and difficult mission; one that would require me to work harder than I had ever done before. I was to infiltrate the Death Star.

Using only a hand-drawn map I had to find my way through the myriad corridors of this gigantic space station to destroy it. Difficult, but not impossible. However, I was up against Darth Vader.

Now, Darth Vader is one evil dude. Just look at that mouth. (Okay, it’s a ventilator on a helmet. Still evil-looking.) He’s also clever and cunning. To infiltrate the Death Star would mean getting past Vader. I have to admit at this stage that the prospect of coming up against him wasn’t the most comforting of thoughts as I began the mission.

It was only a few minutes after entering the Death Star that my mission failed. There was Vader himself – he’d caught me already. I hadn’t even had enough time to report in. I was scared. I’d heard tales of some of the things Vader had done to his enemies. So what came next was slightly unexpected.

He sat me down at a desk, rather like in an exam, and gave me some algebra questions to complete.

It must be something to do with the Force – mind-reading, something like that. I can’t think how else Vader would have found out about this hideous punishment otherwise. It was just the thing to make me crack. I was ready to confess anything – anything!

Then the revelation came.

Darth Vader was someone I knew. He wasn’t some supervillain from the other side of the galaxy. He was none other than the vicar of my church, Andrew Wingfield Digby.

I was astounded. It’s not often you discover that a Dark Lord of the Sith is actually an Anglican minister. (It happens more often than some Anglicans would like, but that’s a story for another day.) It was even more astounding however – Vader/Andrew had actually lured me to the Death Star himself! He needed my help!

With not much choice, I agreed, and we set off in Andrew’s car (for some reason, I sat on the roof) for my old playgroup, where a war was taking place. By this time, Andrew had removed all the Vader gear, and I was left to wonder whether he really was the Sith Lord he’d appeared to be earlier. My wonderings were cut short almost straight away – we’d arrived at the battle. Handing me a sub-machine gun, Andrew drove away, and I entered the building.

It was absolute chaos. I have no memories of what it was like when I was there as a toddler, but it must have been nothing compared to this. Chairs had been broken and stacked into defensive piles. Gunshots rang through the air, and I was grabbed almost straight away by my friend Jake, wearing camouflaged clothes and a beret. “Matthew, get upstairs! It’s not safe down here!” We ran upstairs while someone gave us covering fire.

The next hour or so was a tense battle between us and those on the floor below. I threw myself into the fighting (and got pulled out time and time again by those with more sense than I had) and we appeared to be beating back the enemy. Victory was nearly ours! But I felt so sleepy…

Thus ended my part in the battle. I woke up.

Currently listening to The Imperial March – John Williams

Matthew @ 12:29, April 17, 2005 to Diary | Comments (1)