Audience of One

Sticking to a decision (part one)

Approximately eighteen months ago I made a decision. It took a few months for what I’d actually decided to sink in. Try to understand: I’d made a decision because I believed it was the right decision to make. It was almost like a leap of faith, because it took the next few months for me to come to understand better why it was the right decision. It took the experience to show me that I was right. It was an epiphany, if you like.

It then took a good few months thinking about how hard I should try and get my friends to follow in that decision. I’m still making those decisions today as I see friends so close to falling into the traps I fell into, yet apparently managing to stay out of them, like I couldn’t.

Why did I make this decision? My own experiences had taught me the foolishness of what I had been pursuing. Culture clouded my thinking; I couldn’t see the problem though I had felt its effects. I was blinded by my own selfish feelings, and couldn’t see that I was running away from God. With my lips I honoured him; with my life I dishonoured him. Again, with my lips I said that living God’s way was the best way (after all, as our creator who knows better?), but I had not yet come to realise the full extent of what this meant. I couldn’t see what was wrong, because everyone else was doing it, and I couldn’t see another way. It took a sharp shock to snap me out of it, to bring me to my senses, and since my decision (with complete honesty, one of the hardest decisions of my life), I’ve been living in the light of this new knowledge. There is another way, and it’s ultimately much more fulfilling.

As ever, the here and now fight against the eternal. Sticking to the decision in the light of what’s going on now, however much I know how worthwhile what I’m doing will be, is a daily struggle. I’m learning what I should already know from looking at the cross: sacrifice is a major part of love. Silence can be more loving than words. Distance can be more fruitful than intimacy. And God’s sovereign designs are far more intricate, amusing, amazing, fulfilling and satisfying than any pitiful scheme I could cook up. Sticking to my decision now is more than difficult, but the reward – even in this life – is more than I can imagine.

Matthew @ 10:36, June 20, 2005 to Diary | Comments (10)