Audience of One is the weblog of Matthew Weston, a UK student, Christian, technophile and musician.
Back from holiday to some very good news. No, Bush hasn’t backed down on climate change, but IE 7 beta 2 will support CSS about as well as I’d hoped. Thankyou, Chris Wilson and your team!
Matthew @ 12:10, July 31, 2005 to Geek | Permalink | Comments (5)
This coming week, Saturday to Saturday, I shall be on holiday. In other words, there shall be silence here until at least next Saturday. To help you cope in the meantime, I have three things that I wish you all to research in my absense, and report back on when I return.
Secondly, I’d like to hear your opinions on the “God is a bird” entry because I’m starting to regret having posted it.
Finally, I leave you with news that the Internet Explorer development team is talking to the Web Standards Project.
Matthew @ 10:43, July 22, 2005 to Miscellaneous | Permalink | Comments (8)
While reading the Bible recently I had a sudden theological epiphany about what the parts of the Trinity are. We all know that the Trinity is made up of God the Father, God the Son, and God the Holy Spirit. The clues to who they are can be found in the Bible, as I discovered on a recent search. To my wonder and awe, I realised that they are all, in fact, birds.
Consider the evidence. Firstly, God the Father. Psalm 91:4 says that “He (the Father) will cover you with his feathers, and under his wings you will find refuge”. This suggests that he is some kind of winged creature – potentially a pterodactyl or a moth, except that it also mentions feathers. Secondly, God the Son. Talking about Jesus (the Son) in 1 Thessalonians 4:17, we see that we will “meet the Lord in the air”. Again, this suggests flying. Add to that John 20:19, where we see Jesus getting into a room with a locked door. How else would he have got in but by going through the window – and how else would he do that but by flying? Finally, God the Holy Spirit. Right back at the beginning of time (recorded in Genesis 1), we hear that the Spirit was hovering over the waters. Yet again we have evidence of some sort of flying. This is coupled with the appearance of the Spirit as a dove at Jesus’ baptism (Luke 3:22).
So what kind of bird are we talking about exactly? In Acts 2:1-4 we hear of the coming of the Holy Spirit – “a violent wind from heaven”, suggesting large wings. This doesn’t quite tally with the dove, so I would suggest that these God-birds can in fact change form – after all, we are talking about God here. In this particular incident a phoenix is suggested by the tongues of fire – all legendary creatures have basis in fact, after all. Think of the minotaur – that was obviously Satan in disguise. As was Medusa (think of the serpents!), Hitler (an anagram of Tilreh, the alt-Hebrew word for “insane and powerful man with monobrow”) and in fact the inventor of Big Brother (no, not Orwell; the sadist copycat TV executive).
So what does this all mean for us today? Well, in order to tell the world of my theory I’m going to need an awful lot of money, so donating to this worthy cause would be a good start. Now you’ve read this article you’re in the club, so you might as well act like it or I’ll get cross, and you don’t want to see me cross. After all, in a few years this theory will be hidden deep down inside an innocent-sounding cult that practically ascribes deity to me, by which time I’m sure we’ll find some way of shooting down all those pesky birds.
Cuddly sounding names for this new cult can be sent to the usual address, as can blank cheques and contracts for your souls. Now I can finally realise my ambition to publish a work of fiction – er, I mean a holy book of truth of course – and become richer than my wildest dreams! (In the afterlife of course. Now, what plausible-sounding idea can I come up with that allows entry to the afterlife?)
Any flaws discovered in the above theories will be strongly denied by my elite team of assassins, probably with their pistols.
Have a nice day.
Matthew @ 15:48, July 20, 2005 to Discussions | Permalink | Comments (10)
Tell me what is wrong in this panoramic photo. A prize to the first to notice. (A clue is in the address of this entry.)
Matthew @ 11:14, July 19, 2005 to Miscellaneous | Permalink | Comments (10)
This entry will be conducted completely in the comments to save those who haven’t read Half-Blood Prince yet from spoilers. (A review will come later.) If you haven’t read it yet, do not read any of the comments. If you’ve followed a direct link to this entry, press the back button in your browser now, etc. etc. All I will say is… it’s good.
Matthew @ 12:07, July 17, 2005 to Miscellaneous | Permalink | Comments (18)
Student A: “Sir, Boris just threw this bottle at me!”
Student B: “I was trying to throw it in the bin and missed!”
Teacher: “Archibald, have you heard of William Tell, with the apple on the head? Forget it. Aim for his forehead so he knows how it feels. On the count of three… Three, two – right, you can put it in the bin now. (*student throws*) I hope you’ve learnt a lesson, Boris. Practice makes perfect, and it helps if there’s no-one in the way.”
Matthew @ 11:10, July 15, 2005 to Miscellaneous | Permalink | Comments (4)
This morning I woke up slightly concerned. Last night I dreamt I’d proposed marriage, completely out of nowhere, to a good friend of mine. There’s not much else that can be said after that, really.
(I couldn’t remember anything else about the dream, so unfortunately I don’t know if she said yes.)
Matthew @ 17:48, July 14, 2005 to Diary | Permalink | Comments (12)
Having completed A levels I had left school behind for good. Then I suddenly realised I could be useful. Consequently, I’m spending all the mornings this week helping out with science lessons for the year seven to nines (ages eleven to fourteen). Yesterday involved some twelve year olds accidently creating bleach (and spraying it all over their clothes and mine), a lesson on microbes (“No, Reginald, that’s a bacterium not a mushroom”) and a video on acid spills. Today so far has brought testing the pH of soil samples and trying to persuade two thirteen-year-old girls that science was a fantastic rather than boring subject (and it really does get more interesting once you start GCSEs – though possibly less true for physics).
The bell’s just gone – now for biology with year seven.
Update: a slight confusion with the timetable led me to help with a physics class instead. I spent the lesson trying to encourage one guy to actually engage with the lesson, explain to another the difference between mass and weight (mass = the amount of stuff, measured in kilograms; weight = amount of force per unit mass, e.g. Newtons per kilogram force, e.g. Newtons (see comments)) and finally have a philosophical discussion about meaning with two others (which rounded off slightly more on topic with a discussion of the topology of spacetime). Fun.
Matthew @ 11:01, July 12, 2005 to Diary | Permalink | Comments (17)
In all the fun of my parents’ absense and the various parties thrown during it, I’d forgotten that I couldn’t think of anything beginning with K to describe myself – and of course today was to be the ABC entry beginning with K. So, it’s over to you readers. What words beginning with K would you use to describe me? David suggested “Kleptomaniac” as I began this entry – hopefully you’ll be slightly more accurate.
Matthew @ 18:31, July 9, 2005 to Miscellaneous | Permalink | Comments (10)
Dear Customer,
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Warmest regards,
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Matthew @ 15:35, July 9, 2005 to Miscellaneous | Permalink | Comments (2)
And for the first time in absolutely ages, I’m all alone in my house.
Immediately, I feel lonely.
Matthew @ 22:58, July 7, 2005 to Diary | Permalink | Comments (10)
Well, exams are over so it’s time to relax (before I find a job that is). So Tom, Eric and Jonathan R are staying for a few days and we’ve rigged up various things to a projector and large sound system. We have one wall of our front room almost completely taken up with a screen, with good quality speakers providing sound, and a computer, DVD player and Gamecube plugged into the different inputs so we can cycle between them. Arrested Development is fantastic and now that we’ve watched the first series it will be missed (as the second series isn’t out on DVD yet).
It’s the original Batman film on schedule for tonight. But first, some Medal of Honour on the Gamecube. Incidently, checking your email on a giant wall-sized screen is quite amusing.
Matthew @ 18:20, July 5, 2005 to Diary | Permalink | Comments (10)
*eats own words*
Well, that last entry was a rather public whinge proven completely wrong by the really enjoyable evening I had. I’ve only enjoyed balls in the past when I’ve been helping and able to chat to people, but that’s because I’ve never tried to enjoy them any other way. Last night made me grow up a bit – I jumped in at the deep end, if you like. (I danced. Those who know me know I don’t. Except I do now. Hmm.)
The music was rubbish (including my set) due to a terribly set up sound system for the live acts, and a terrible taste in music from the DJ. (Okay, there were some good ball songs – Bryan Adams’ Summer of 69 among them. Finally heard it!) Somehow it was still enjoyable (especially in the alright songs inbetween the hip-hop). Mr K (with whom I visited the pub on Friday) seemed to have realised that he was never going to see half of us again as we were leaving and he was leaving, so decided to get outrageously drunk. (After the ball he went on to gatecrash a student party – possibly the first and last time a teacher will ever do that, and simultaneously the first and last time the students wouldn’t mind.) It was certainly an interesting evening for observing people (as balls always are) and I could write a string of blog entries based on what I saw people doing. Maybe some other time.
I was disappointed it was over so quickly. I’d say I almost felt I hadn’t got my money’s worth, but I got in for free in the end so I’d be lying.
Why’d I have to start enjoying balls right at the end of four years of them? The logic of life sometimes.
Matthew @ 22:45, July 3, 2005 to Diary | Permalink | Comments (12)
As of this moment Snoop Dogg is on stage, and so far I’ve heard three songs which have appeared to start in the same way, all contain unidentifiable lyrics with occasional expletives, and apparently all have backing singing with some lyrics referring to Snoop Dogg. I knew I wasn’t a fan of rap music but this seems like the epitome of all the stereotypes this indie fan has grown up believing. Oh, and he’s asked the audience to “put (their) hands together” approximately five times since the start of this last song. I think I just heard him say “one time” twice in a row again.
I didn’t try and get tickets to Live 8, not because of Bob Geldof, the bands playing, forgetting to text in on time or the hassle of getting there (all of which I’ve heard as reasons), but because it’s the sixth form ball tonight – possibly the last time I’ll see a lot of people in my year. Well, I’ll see my mates again so that’s no problem to me; I’d much rather be at Live 8 if I could. Unfortunately, I’m playing this evening. Not only that, I’m paying to play.
The logic goes that I’m playing for half an hour (“only half an hour!”) and enjoying the rest of the evening, so I should have to pay like everyone else (and get a five pound discount for the half hour, “very generous” apparently). Oh, and the rest of the band are paying, so I should pay too. Seems fair, doesn’t it?
Hmm. Not so sure about this one. The thing is, I’m not a ball type of person. Whenever I’ve gone to a ball that I’m not helping at, the only times I’ve enjoyed them is when I’ve been out of the main section, chatting to someone. I could do that at any other time, and to be honest the music, smoke and alcohol-ridden atmosphere makes conversation challenging. So even if I couldn’t get to Live 8, the chances of me going to the ball were slim without me playing.
As for “only half an hour”, I’ve put around ten hours into rehearsals over the past week (probably more if you include time getting to and from them), wasting the good part of today and a lot of yesterday and the day before as well. The five pound discount figures out at around fifty pence an hour taking that into account – except it’s worse than that because I’m not getting paid five pounds, I’m paying fifteen. So that’s me paying one pound fifty per hour of rehearsal.
I think the effort put in by the sixth form committee is formidable, and from the looks of things they’ve organised a brilliant evening for those going. The problem is that it won’t be brilliant for me because I’ve never enjoyed those kind of events for their own sake – I’m fine helping at them but I’ll never enjoy them as a punter. It’s like at the club I was at last night – I looked after the bags while the others danced and was happy doing that. (I also get the feeling I’d enjoy the ball more if I was with someone for the evening who was enjoying it. Which reminds me of a blog entry I must write. Never mind…)
So, let’s summarise. I’m paying fifteen pounds to do the committee a favour because they don’t realise that some people don’t enjoy balls. I even offered not to have any drinks or food and leave after I’d finished playing. Nope – if I want to come in I’ve got to pay. So I’m paying – I’ve no choice, because my band need me and they’re serious about not letting me in. It’s lucky we’re getting paid so well for a gig tomorrow, otherwise I wouldn’t be able to afford it. (As it is, I’m being lent the ticket price until we get paid for tomorrow.)
Madonna’s on the Live 8 stage now, playing a song I had in my music tech mock exam last year. I think I’m forever going to be haunted by particular songs because they were featured in exams. Ooh, she’s just sworn on live TV before the watershed. That was clever.
If I enjoy the ball I will return to this blog tomorrow and eat my words about the payment. Knowing me, and knowing balls, even if it’s twice as good as last year (which was apparently the best ball for years according to some of the teachers) I’ll consider the money wasted. (A lot of the ticket is going on drinks. Guess who doesn’t like wine? But that’s enough whinging.)
So, Live 8. A political discussion will no doubt follow at some point, but I have a ball to go to so I’ll set the video to record and be off.
Can someone explain how I’ve had less time to blog since finishing exams than while I was revising for them?
Matthew @ 18:39, July 2, 2005 to Diary | Permalink | Comments (2)
