Audience of One

God is a bird

While reading the Bible recently I had a sudden theological epiphany about what the parts of the Trinity are. We all know that the Trinity is made up of God the Father, God the Son, and God the Holy Spirit. The clues to who they are can be found in the Bible, as I discovered on a recent search. To my wonder and awe, I realised that they are all, in fact, birds.

Consider the evidence. Firstly, God the Father. Psalm 91:4 says that “He (the Father) will cover you with his feathers, and under his wings you will find refuge”. This suggests that he is some kind of winged creature – potentially a pterodactyl or a moth, except that it also mentions feathers. Secondly, God the Son. Talking about Jesus (the Son) in 1 Thessalonians 4:17, we see that we will “meet the Lord in the air”. Again, this suggests flying. Add to that John 20:19, where we see Jesus getting into a room with a locked door. How else would he have got in but by going through the window – and how else would he do that but by flying? Finally, God the Holy Spirit. Right back at the beginning of time (recorded in Genesis 1), we hear that the Spirit was hovering over the waters. Yet again we have evidence of some sort of flying. This is coupled with the appearance of the Spirit as a dove at Jesus’ baptism (Luke 3:22).

So what kind of bird are we talking about exactly? In Acts 2:1-4 we hear of the coming of the Holy Spirit – “a violent wind from heaven”, suggesting large wings. This doesn’t quite tally with the dove, so I would suggest that these God-birds can in fact change form – after all, we are talking about God here. In this particular incident a phoenix is suggested by the tongues of fire – all legendary creatures have basis in fact, after all. Think of the minotaur – that was obviously Satan in disguise. As was Medusa (think of the serpents!), Hitler (an anagram of Tilreh, the alt-Hebrew word for “insane and powerful man with monobrow”) and in fact the inventor of Big Brother (no, not Orwell; the sadist copycat TV executive).

So what does this all mean for us today? Well, in order to tell the world of my theory I’m going to need an awful lot of money, so donating to this worthy cause would be a good start. Now you’ve read this article you’re in the club, so you might as well act like it or I’ll get cross, and you don’t want to see me cross. After all, in a few years this theory will be hidden deep down inside an innocent-sounding cult that practically ascribes deity to me, by which time I’m sure we’ll find some way of shooting down all those pesky birds.

Cuddly sounding names for this new cult can be sent to the usual address, as can blank cheques and contracts for your souls. Now I can finally realise my ambition to publish a work of fiction – er, I mean a holy book of truth of course – and become richer than my wildest dreams! (In the afterlife of course. Now, what plausible-sounding idea can I come up with that allows entry to the afterlife?)

Any flaws discovered in the above theories will be strongly denied by my elite team of assassins, probably with their pistols.

Have a nice day.

Matthew @ 15:48, July 20, 2005 to Discussions | Comments (10)