Audience of One is the weblog of Matthew Weston, a UK student, Christian, technophile and musician.

Physics + maths

The best kind of jokes* are those that only a particular group of people actually understand and find funny.

Q: How many quantum physicists does it take to change a light bulb?

A: They can’t. If they know where the socket is they cannot locate the new bulb.

The next joke really tests if you know your physics:

Mrs Schrödinger: Erwin, what have you done with the cat? It looks half dead!

This one made a computer scientist I know crack up so much he practically woke up the girls in the room above us:

You have two cows.

You accidentally measure their velocity.

You have no cows.

The joke told last year as a sermon illustration as to how background knowledge is essential to a true understanding:

Werner Heisenberg is speeding along the motorway when he is pulled over by a policeman. He winds down the window, and the policeman says to him: “Now, sir, do you know how fast you were going back then?” Heisenberg replies: “No, but I can tell you exactly where I was.”

And finally, a maths joke:

x3 is holding a party, and everyone’s there having a great time: √ is there flirting with coshx, tanx is wowing everyone on the dance floor – and there in the corner is ex, looking lonely. x3 wanders over. “Hey man, what’s the matter? Why are you over here by yourself! Integrate!” But ex replies forlornly: “it won’t make any difference…”

Tune in next week for the musicians’ list of in-jokes! (If you have any in-jokes relating to your field of expertise, feel free to post them.)

* These are actually the worst kind of jokes, unless you understand them, so my apologies. If you understand them, you’re as sad as me.

Matthew @ 20:14, August 29, 2006 to Geek | Permalink | Comments (10)

In the absence of a side blog...

Matthew @ 19:41, August 29, 2006 to Miscellaneous | Permalink | Comments (3)

Old lady

The concept for this entry was almost certainly plagiarised, but I can’t remember where from so that’s as good as original for now. If the entry looks funny (as in strange), refresh the page, or if you’re using a feed reader open it in your web browser.

EXT. ROADSIDE – DAY An old lady is walking by the road. Noticing something on the other side of the road, she stops and peers across at it. Suddenly a man grabs her by the arm and pulls her out with him into the middle of the road. The busy traffic screeches to a stop. OLD LADY Hey, what do you think— MAN No need to worry, madam, I’ve got you safe. OLD LADY What are you doing? MAN Oh, there’s no need to mention it. OLD LADY (confused) What? MAN I mean it’s nothing. The pair reach the central island, and here the man pauses. MAN It’s just something I feel I should do. You know, what with you being old, and a lady, it falls to me to take action. The lady is stunned to silence. OLD LADY … MAN There’s no need to thank me, you know. OLD LADY Thank you? MAN I said there’s no need to. The man starts walking again as the traffic lessens slightly. A car swerves to avoid them, narrowly misses them, and hits the light on the end of the central island. MAN Chivalry is regrettably absent from today’s society. Men should be more assertive and go out of their way to help women. OLD LADY (mutters) I’ll give you “out of their way”… The pair reach the opposite side of the road. The man, in an instant, releases the old lady and turns back to cross the road again. A red-faced motorist is emerging from the wrecked car in the middle of the road. The man waves at the motorist and continues crossing. MAN Lovely day! The old lady stares back across the busy traffic, where her groceries lie on the pavement, the oranges having rolled into the gutter, and the side street leading to her home can be seen, fifty metres further on. She adjusts her hair in a shop window, then sets off down the street to a pedestrian crossing. OLD LADY That’s the third time this month. CUT TO: EXT. ANOTHER ROADSIDE – DAY An old lady is walking by the road. Just up the street, crouched in a shop entrance, is the man waiting for her to show any sign of interest in the shops on the opposite side.

Matthew @ 16:28, August 29, 2006 to Miscellaneous | Permalink | Comments (3)

The first camp

After the delights of the Partnership Summer School, I headed off to another camp, this time as a Taskforce member. Taskforcers are basically the cleaners, but we also ran games, got snacks and drinks for people in the afternoon, served and cleared tables at meals and basically helped the camp to run smoothly.

It seems a strange thing to give up eleven days of your life to do, so let me briefly explain why I did it:

  1. The Taskforcers get their own teaching track (this year looking at heaven and hell, then studying the book of Haggai) which I remembered being excellent when I sneaked in the back as a normal member.
  2. The Taskforcers, as a bunch of people, are lovely.
  3. I got to organise a game of Ultimate
  4. By doing these things, I allowed the leaders to spend more time with the guys they were teaching.
  5. I got to serve.

Obviously what I mean by service is doing something for someone else*. Like Jesus washed his disciples’ feet, Christians are called to serve others, like Jesus did. These last two points are linked – it was by serving that I allowed the leaders to spend their time teaching and chatting with the people in their dorms. But it was to serve that I went to camp.

Two things. Firstly, there’s a philosophical argument to do with self-sacrificial service. Altruism (defined as unselfish concern for the welfare of others, or self-sacrificial service), it is argued, can never be truly unselfish, as there is always a good feeling that arises from doing something for someone else. For example, you help an old lady to cross the road (quick tangent: has anyone ever seen anyone do this ever, and do old ladies actually want help? Any more than old men? That’s a discussion for another time) partly because it feels good to be helping her. Your motivation is not entirely unselfish.

Well, at first glance it seems like this is true. I look back on my time at this camp, and while it was hard work it was also a fantastic experience and I felt good about it. However, the issue is to do with motivation. The fact was, I didn’t know whether I was going to enjoy the week. In fact, at times I really didn’t (like when the dishwasher broke down for the third time, just as I was looking forward to an evening off).

There’s a distinct temporal dimension to altruism. In other words, at the time there is no positive emotional feedback. You don’t grudgingly wash a hundred and fifty plates, knives, forks, spoons, cups and bowls by hand because you’re waiting for the emotional payoff – no, you do it because you are there to serve, and so serve you do. I can now look back on it and say that I’m pleased I did it, but not because it felt good. In fact, I was not particularly happy at the time, but while I could have sneaked off to my room without anyone noticing, I chose not to. Altruism: it does exist, and Christians should aspire to it. (Actually, all you need to do is look at Jesus on the cross to show that altruism exists – the main thing that needs proving is that imperfect humans can be altruistic.)

The previous three paragraphs were adapted from a discussion I had with a friend studying philosophy – in fact, it’s his argument not mine, and the “distinct temporal dimension” phrase was nicked too. Anyway…

Secondly, I don’t write this to make myself seem great and self-sacrificial and to make everyone else feel bad. I’m merely trying to explain the logic in my decision to go there. Christians should be those who serve. It’s this area that I’ve never been so good on. Sometimes people talk about growth in the Christian life as if it’s just one thing, but there are many different areas to be growing in. A knowledge of God’s word, and therefore the character and purposes of God, is one area. It is entirely possible to be growing in this area and not actually having a closer relationship with God, though. There’s growth in obedience of what the Bible says as well. But one of the things which is missing in a lot of churches is love expressed through service. It’s been missing in me too for a long time, and still has a long way to grow. While my “head knowledge” is often streets ahead of my contemporaries my “heart knowledge” or actions lag a long way behind. This year (beginning with my time in Japan) was an attempt to do something about this. (And for all that discussion about altruism, I can safely say I’m loving it.)

* I was going to have something here about “Some people think of service as part of a game of tennis” etc. etc., until I realised that my brain was functioning on a ten-year-old humour level and that this wasn’t actually funny. Working with kids – who’d do it?

Matthew @ 15:40, August 29, 2006 to Diary | Permalink | Comments (0)

A quick update

I’ve been busy for most of August with various camps (of which I will no doubt write more of at some point) but for now, just to say that I’m alive, I’m going to the halls of residence I hoped to (meaning edible food at uni!) and my laptop has now been repaired from the damage caused by a bass guitar falling onto it while open. (It cost me seven pounds fifty to repair it.) I’m helping with my church’s holiday club for the next week (in charge of eight ten-year-olds I believe) and am then free for September! My first proper holiday since going to Japan… it’s going to be good.

Currently listening to Death Cab For Cutie – What Sarah Said

Matthew @ 21:35, August 26, 2006 to Diary | Permalink | Comments (0)

More art

On a more serious note than my previous entry, I downloaded a vector graphics program today, and using my laptop’s trackpad as an improvised graphics tablet, I drew the following.

Seascape

Now stop. Decide what you think the picture is of before reading any further.

On first viewing (albeit from a slightly oblique angle) I was informed by my mum that it looked kind of like a hamburger. This made me feel rather like a child whose drawing of Mummy is mistaken for a piece of fruit. However, I perservere. Post what you first thought this was before reading this paragraph, and don’t be influenced by other people’s comments. I’m interested to see what people think…

Matthew @ 20:25, August 18, 2006 to Miscellaneous | Permalink | Comments (9)

Art

Tension is essential to an interesting piece of work. Ugly-beautiful, curved-straight, abstract-realist, happy-depressing – the extremes are boring on their own, but the tension between them enhances the interest and intrigues the viewer. Today’s artist can no longer excuse being fluent in only one of the extremes. The artist must embrace both, drawing meaning from the conflict that results.

It is with these conflicting opposites that my latest work inevitably explores. This piece takes a new view on the age-old metaphor of darkness as evil, light as good, and suggests that light in fact may be more evil than has been considered previously. Similarly, in this age of electricity where everything is lit up, darkness is to be embraced.

So this tension between the polar opposites of dark and light, good and evil respectively, is expressed in my latest work, which I call “Visual musings on Nature’s greatest dichotomy”.

Matthew @ 20:35, August 16, 2006 to Miscellaneous | Permalink | Comments (7)

You know Japan affected you for good when...

Matthew @ 13:33, August 4, 2006 to Miscellaneous | Permalink | Comments (1)

Comment spam

I’m not quite sure what to say about this, but I just received a piece of spam with this content:

hi, i love you

That was it. (Insert witty response here.)

Matthew @ 21:57, August 1, 2006 to Miscellaneous | Permalink | Comments (0)

A new record

So I managed to beat my own record. July 2006 has the largest number of posts of any month ever, which, considering the fact that I was working full time in another country for the first half of the month, and without internet access for the final week, I’m quite pleased with. This kind of frequency is what some of you have been asking for for some time now. So how was it? (Normal service resumes this month – I’m away without internet access for the next three weeks, pretty much.)

In other news, Muse’s new album is great, and I’ve had the chorus of “Starlight” going round my brain continuously pretty much since I learnt the lyrics properly at Ashburnham. 405 is one of the greatest Death Cab for Cutie songs, and would be worth the price of the album by itself if it wasn’t for the wonders of iTunes. The Decemberists I’ve recently discovered after being lent their album by a friend, and I’m really starting to get into them. Thom Yorke’s album is liked more by my brother than me – I still prefer Radiohead, but there are some awesome tunes on it. Er, yeah. That’s it. There’s something about writing twenty-nine entries in a month that makes creativity a challenge. (Actually, one last thing. Does anyone have any tips on how to gatecrash a wedding without offending/irritating the bride or groom?)

Currently listening to The Decemberists – 16 Military Wives

Matthew @ 20:29, August 1, 2006 to Miscellaneous | Permalink | Comments (0)