Audience of One

Garden Centre

Today, on the hottest day we’ve had since July, on a day of a ridiculously high pollen count, on the day I forgot to take my hayfever medication… I went to a garden centre.

It’s quite a large place, and every time I go there they seem to change the layout so that I can never, ever find my way around. We were looking for manure, which was over on the other side of the centre. Then on the way back, I noticed they had a load of fish in a building to my right.

By this time, my eyes were reasonably sore and a tissue was almost permanently held to my nose, so a break from the pollenated air in the cool confines of the water feature section was just what I needed. So I went to have a look at the fish.

They had a load of Japanese fish for sale. “Japanese Doitsu-Koi” said a sign next to one of the aquariums. “Doitsu-Koi” translates as “German carp”, making the sign read “Japanese German carp”. You know all those t-shirts and things we sometimes see with incredibly bad English? Yeah, the reverse can also work. I still remember the story of the man with a tattoo of a Chinese character he thought said “strength” which in actual fact meant “broccoli”. Also, it’s spelt “Doitsu-goi”, but never mind.

So, after a couple of minutes looking at fish, I wound my way through corridors of plants and shrubs, looking for the exit. I could feel the hayfever symptoms increase as I did so… and then, somehow, I couldn’t find the exit. I kept on turning corners and coming into walls of evil-looking orchids bent on poisoning me with their pollen. It’s the kind of thing that, if I had nightmares, would probably be a regular occurrence in the summer. No exit, only flowers and more flowers, hemming me in….

(In all honesty I found the exit within thirty seconds, but has exaggeration ever been unusual on this website?)

Currently listening to The Decemberists – Eli, The Barrow Boy.

Matthew @ 16:25, September 11, 2006 to Diary | Comments (0)